Muni: Never a dull moment

So yeah, I almost died on the 22 last night.  No biggie.  The bus was creeping up Fillmore, just past Haight when it began to move at a slow lurch.  Then we started rolling backwards down the hill.  Seriously.

Long story short, I’m alive and well and the driver was able to eventually take control of things.  But that got me thinking about all the other crazy experiences I’ve had on Muni.  Frankly, we all have crazy public transportation stories, no matter the city, but I always feel like San Francisco is so much worse.

And that’s why this is the best event EVER: this Friday evening starting at 7:30pm, munidiaries.com is holding “Riders with Drinks” at the Make Out Room (no cover!!).  This is the chance to hear and tell all the best stories people have collected about Muni.  As they explain on their website, “In the fine tradition of spoken word, your fellow Muni riders will read their stories, recite Muni-related haikus, re-enact some funny Muni scenes (finger puppets, anyone?), and everything in between”.  Seriously, this is going to be amazing.

I don’t plan on missing it, especially after interviewing Muni Diaries co-founder, Jeff Hunt.

Jeff Hunt -- co-founder, Muni Diaries

Me:  What prompted you to start Munidiaries.com?

Jeff: Muni+a love of storytelling and journalism prompted us to start Muni Diaries. Eugenia first had the idea for a concept-magazine project at SF state journalism school years ago. it was the one idea that had legs, and as we noticed print journalism going the way of the dodo, we thought, why not launch a site? It’s all about storytelling, and a love of public transit.

I’m sorry, but the 22 is the worst, Jeff (see story below).

My only other points of reference for public transit are Montreal and France, where I NEVER saw anything remotely like what I’ve experienced in this town.  I’ve lost track of all the crazy stories, but these are certainly the three most memorable that I’d like to share with you:

Story #1:  Hoes and bitches on the 21 -June 2009

Last week I was riding the 21 back from work and there was this extremely obnoxious black chick screaming (and yes, I do mean screaming) into her cell phone.  She appeared to be in an heated debate with another woman.  I was really not in the mood to deal with this, so I pumped up the volume on my iPod, but there were a couple times when the yelling became so intense I was able to pick up pieces of the conversation.  Lucky me.

“WHY YOU THINK I LIKE THAT, BIAAATCH.  I ONLY HAD TWO DICKS IN ME OVER THE LAST TWO YEARS.  TWO DICKS.  WHAT YOU TALKING ABOUT ME LIKE THAT BITCH”

Lovely.  Just lovely.

And another gem (before I ran off the bus):

“YOU HAD MORE ABORTIONS THAN ME.  WHY HE TELLING YOU THAT.  YOU ARE MORE A HOE THAN ME BITCH”

Story #2:  My parents ride the #71 – December 2007

Shortly after I moved to San Francisco my parents came to visit from midwestern suburbia.  My dad, being a total cheapskate, found out that seniors ride the bus for 50 cents and that was enought convince him to never set foot in a cab.  Mind you, my parents haven’t set foot on a bus (maybe, ever?) in at least 35 years.  This is all quite novel for them.

On one such ride on the 71, my mom, who is usually quite bubbly and friendly looked sullen and stricken.  As I came to understand, the homeless man who was sitting next to her, who had dragged on a bag of trash (?) had defecated in his pants.  I have never seen such a look of horror on her face.

Of course, they continued to ride the bus after this incident (it was a such a deal!), but my mom felt the need to send me a can of mace the moment she returned home.  I’m not sure how that would have helped the man stop pooping his pants, but it certainly would be useful on the now three instances I have been nearly physically attacked in the Tenderloin (that story, my friends, will have to wait for another post).

Story #3 Testicles on 22 – November 2007

I was brand new to the city and new NOTHING about the 22 or Muni in general.  In Canadia, normal, respectable people rode the bus.  You never saw the displays of poverty, mental illness or just general rudeness that I’ve found on Muni.  See, I think Canadians actually treat mental illness instead of throwing those people onto the streets.

Case in point:

One evening coming back from work, I was minding my own business on the 22 when an extremely overweight gay man, probably in his 50′s got on board.  He was wearing flip flops, extremely tight hot pants and a scarf.  That’s it.  It was 50 degrees out.

So I’m thinking, ok, sit wherever you want, but just don’t sit in front of me.  And so he does just that.  And as he sits down, KERPLOP!, go his balls right of the hotpants.  Of course, these pants were so undersized that adjusting didn’t even seem like an option under consideration.  No, instead he ever so gracefully draped his scarf over his manhood and rode in peace.

Umm… yeah.

After that incident I bought my bike.

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Have you got a great Muni story (come on, I know you do).  Throw it in the comment section or come on out this Friday and let’s hear it!