Music to Commit Suicide to (and therefore avoid)

So yeah, breakups suck.  I’m slowly coming to grips, though I feel my emotions cycling from feelings of being totally OK, to wondering if all is lost and I should try and find a mail order Russian groom.  Well that’s bit dramatic.  I’m sure there are a lot of Russians in the city looking for a green card.  So I guess I could just hang out somewhere around Civic Center (I don’t know why, but this seems like a place where I could easily procure some indigent to be my lawfully wedded hobo… and give me chlamydia.  Or whatever.)

ANYHOW, the point of this post is to explain exactly what music you should never listen to in a breakup.  Having been my own guinea pig, I can tell you under no uncertain terms, that this is all very caustic stuff.

Drum roll please….. (tatatatatata)…..

In no particular order:

1.  Anything by Tori Amos, but in particular, all her music pre-1998 and certainly not the album, Boys for Pele, unless you want to experience total emotional collapse, in which case I wholeheartedly recommend track 2, “Blood Roses”

2.  All French music, especially if you understand the language, but even if you don’t, you could extrapolate and basically everything sounds like death, dying, heartbreak and loneliness.  That’s just the French way.  Trust me on this one. Case in point:

3.  Ace of Base. Ok, I actually didn’t listen to this, but I still think it merits a place on any “do not listen or you will explode” list. Kill it with fire. And if that doesn’t work, kill it with more fire!

4.  Any singer/songwriter whose name is Nick. That’s right.  I am castigating an entire group of people based on their first name.  But I have good reason.  Case in point:

Nick Drake – depressing as fuck.  For god’s sake the guy even committed suicide at 26 years old after writing all those songs.

Nick Cave — have we ever seen him do anything but melancholic songs? (Honestly, I’m not the best judge of this as I’m not really a fan of his.  For all I know he probably has an album of children’s lullabies).  But I have a hunch about this one. And from the couple love songs I’ve heard, I know this is bad news:

No dear reader, those aren’t for me. I prefer to stick with the bootie popping kinds of stuff that R&B videos are made out of (that sounds so wrong to say. SO WRONG). But it’s true. Sometimes you just need something upbeat and aimless to help you pick yourself up and shake it all out.

And that’s what I’m doing. I’m shaking it all off.