Passionate Changes

When I started this blog in November of last year, I was reaching the tale end of my “crazy period” (to be defined as the period after my marriage collapsed) — by no means was it over, but my focus had shifted from cheap, short lived thrills to just starting to yearn for something more lasting.

Mind you I was still terrified of commitment.  I totally freaked out in January when Arwen, my completely amazing roommate, made a comment as to how close she felt to me as a result of our amazing friendship.  I could barely handle the affection of a friend.  Relationships proved even more of a challenge.

I wasn’t ready to give of myself, and so I went along, dating people, however kind, that I knew I couldn’t have a lasting relationship with (the stripper and the 20 year old both come to mind).

…

And then I met him.

Going out on what I thought to be “just another date”, turned out to be the pivotal changing point in my life.  I had met a man, that for the first time since the end of the marriage, I could envision a future with.  And that future didn’t look scary and wasn’t something I ran away from.  It was a future I embraced.

I’ve never believed in love at first sight.  I thought the concept was foolhardy and naive.  I still can’t say it was love at first sight, that first night that we met, but what I can say is that I’ve never felt so full of emotion and affection for someone after just one week.  If you’ve ever had that feeling, you know what I mean.  If you haven’t, consider this a cautionary tale.  I’ve never flown so high and fell so low before.  I’ve never totally given myself up to love, and in doing so, to the ensuing pain that comes with rejection.

We spent a wonderful two weeks together, made plans for the future — plans which actually excited me and didn’t drive me screaming!! — and shared a connection with each other that was more than just physical.  Emotionally and intellectually we were right on track.

Slowly though the relationship started to fall.  His attention shifted and his affection diminished, leaving me, still in the “honeymoon” phase of the relationship, confused and hurt.  It was a pain so terrible, and so unreal, that I am surprised I held on for so long.  I clung onto a memory and a hope that what we told each other those first couple weeks was true.

After four weeks of dwindling affection from him we talked.  It wouldn’t work out.  He was emotionally barren, having been wrung dry by a relationship he recently ended. There was nothing left for me.  And as much as he cared about me, he couldn’t offer me what I needed.  I knew exactly what that felt like, and while I’d never let myself enter a relationship in that state of mind, I can relate.

That was last night.

I don’t tell this tale as a sob story, though believe me it does help to write it down, but rather as a way of marking a distinct change in my behavior and a shift in Sexistential Crisis.  I started this blog to recount the dating tales that people kept telling me I needed to write down because they were too funny or outrageous to be lost.  Many of them aren’t told here:  there was the drug dealer, the white pimp, more bisexuals than I can shake a fist at, a guy living out of his car, an astro biologist, the foot fetishist, a man who made pot lollipops for a living, the dude who started the Valentine’s day pillow fight… and the list goes on.  Those were incredibly fun times, and I’m friends with a few of those guys (in particular, “pot lollipop”, “my little pony” and “the guy living in his van”).

Dating used to be my hobby, and that’s shifted significantly to working on other, healthier projects.  I’m learning to write Python, I’m rediscovering my love of astronomy, I have found a joy again in reading and the arts.  Sorry to say, dear reader, that these hobbies are often coming in the place of blogging.  And perhaps those topics will replace the ones I’ve written about prior (though don’t worry, I’m still crazy… I have a couple tricks up my sleeve, yet!).

But to get back to my earlier story, I’ve turned a corner.  And it’s very exciting.  Through all the heartache I’m going through now, I’ve finally realized that I can love again and that I am finally ready for a real committed relationship.  It’s been nearly two years since my marriage ended and I hardly imagined the day I’d be able to commit to someone.  But that day has finally arrived.  And it feels really great.

I guess I just wanted you to know where I’m at.  I’m being brutally honest with you, spilling my thoughts and feelings onto the page.  So be gentle with me.

Peace.