(From December 2007)
You’ve probably never heard of Tiny Jesus.
I hadn’t.
Mytinyjesus.com is this site that aggregates tweets and spits them out from a tiny jesus statue. Like this:
As most people know, I’m endlessly intrigued by crazy, random shit so in that spirit, I decided to send tiny jesus and e-mail. Here’s what I wrote:
“Look for the Jeebus hands”
(and if you’re wondering what the Jeebus hands are, this is a Simpson’s reference)
I pressed send, and forgot all about it. And then a couple days later I got a response. Here’s what he wrote:
Dear Laura,
The Jebus hands are hidden in an old salt mine south of border,
guarded by a cranky norwegian blacksmith and his dog, Max. I hope
this secret is safe with you.Your lucky number is 7.
Your invisible pal,
Tiny Jesus
OMG. Tiny Jesus is the man… and has left me totally intrigued. So I wrote back:
Tiny Jesus,
You intrigue me.
Your host.
So perfect and round.
Hits my tongue.
And melts.
Into me.
Onto me.
And in my intestines.
Click edit, to answer your questions.
Call me, biznatch
Thinking that was the end of that. But no. A couple days later, Tiny Jesus responded. That dirty bastard, here’s what he had to say:
Dear Laura,
Bless my holy soul if that’s not the most erotic poem about wafers that I have ever read (and believe me, it’s a genre of which I consider myself to be a connoisseur). I can only respond in kind, answering poetry with poetry. Or, to quote my favourite angel up here, “Eat haiku, tiny human”
Sweet baby marmots
dance, wide blue eyes laugh. For fun,
hit them with a stickYour lucky number remains 7.
Your invisible pal,
Tiny Jesus
Tiny Jesus is one sick man. But I’m into that. My last letter to tiny jesus:
Dear Tiny Jesus,
I’m aroused by your mastery of haiku, and your in rambling non-sequitors. I now understand how you swayed the masses and all I can say is:
Turn your water into wine.
And fill me.
With your alcoholic rage.Bring your marmots
to my shore
And beach them
on my milky love moons.WWJD?
Call me, Tiny, call me.
Well Tiny didn’t call. So I got down to business and found out who the domain mytinyjesus.com was registered to. That led me to the man behind Tiny, and possibly one of the funniest twitterers around:
@gilfer
I haven’t heard from Tiny now in over a year now, but I do have the pleasure of reading his creator’s mumblings, grumblings and hilarious rantings which is more than I could ever have asked for.
