Oh online dating, how weird it feels to be back inside your creepy recesses. Having been in a relationship for 5 years, I dreaded the thought of being single again. But what’s worse – being in a relationship you’re not passionate about or being single and living your own life? I chose the latter. After several months of taking time to build myself back up, I decided to jump back into the dating pool. And so I signed back up for OKCupid, ready for whatever adventure was about to come my way. I’m a bit older and much wiser than the last time I did online dating, so I wasn’t as eager to meet just anyone. But for me, the adventure of talking to interesting people (some may say, weirdos) is too great to pass up.
Having been back on OKCupid for about a month or two, I’ve cancelled and restored my profile about 4 times. Tons of messages from men, most of them really lame. And I’m just not attracted to these guys — I can’t get a sense for a guy through the photo, so I do a lot of window shopping and leave it at that. Eventually I get discouraged, delete it, come back a couple weeks later and then ask myself, “Why the hell did I do that?” It’s a vicious cycle.
So in my latest foray into OKCupid, I was once again at the point of disabling my account when the words of my friend Sean came into my mind. He had described a similar despondency over the online dating scene, and was moments from pressing the delete button on his account, when the love of his life, Cameron, messaged him. And wasn’t he so glad to have just read that message and not deleted the account. And so I said, “Ok universe, I am deleting my profile tomorrow unless you show me the man of my dreams.”
Be careful what you wish for.
That same evening I’d stumbled upon a guy to be in great shape (though the photo was taken from pretty far away, I couldn’t really get a sense for his face), was vegan and had a beautiful spirit. He also sounded really open and sexually adventurous, which intrigued me. He talked about “solo-sexing”, “mutual masturbation circles” he was in and some sort of tantric 6 dudes/1 women sexy sandwich which piqued my interest.
I never did figure out what solo-sexing was, but come on! Mutual masturbation circles?! It’s so San Francisco. My inner adventurer was piqued and knew there had to be a great story here. No, I’ve never been to a mutual masturbation circle, and I’m not totally gung ho for it, afraid to run into this guy:
I mean who goes to mutual masturbation circles? I’m going to guess a lot of guys, probably a bunch of gay dudes and creepy old men. Would a woman? I can scarcely imagine. But my vegan hottie apparently does, so maybe I’ve got my stereotypes all wrong. Do I want to learn more about it? Hell yes!
So I messaged him. Why? Because I’m a little crazy, because I’m writing a romance novel and need more plot elements and because he sounded like fun and completely harmless. So my message went something like:
“Hey, that is a wild profile! You sound like a cool dude – rock on.”
And I didn’t expect a response, because really, my message was so benign that there wasn’t really anything to go on. But I’m trusting the universe has something in store for me, right…
So you’ll imagine my surprise when the “solo-sexer” responds! And much like his profile he seems like a fun loving, sexually in touch guy. And he’d love to get to know me better. WOWEEE!! But first things first, he goes hot tubbing each week at some place near my home, and am I interested in meeting him to go naked hot tubbing under the stars?
That was literally in his first message.
So I can see it — the thrill of adventure is so close, and so I respond with, “yes, would love to go naked hot tubbing with a complete stranger. Here’s my (google voice) number, call me when you’re in the area.”
And you know what I’m thinking of the entire time? I’m thinking of you, dear reader. I’m thinking of writing this freaking blog post. I’m thinking of what a great story this would make.
Thank god I have friends who actually have a sense of security for me. And they suggest I might want to meet him for coffee first, just to make sure he’s not going to harm me. But everyone seems really supportive and into this open, freewheeling guy.
But before we get to the naked hot tubbing, I get another message from from his and this time he writes,
I just want to exchange good, positive, peaceful and present energy!! If your ever curious too or would like to masturbate in a group, I’m helping a guy form one in your town!! So I’ll be in your neck more often :-)
Wow — you’re going to be masturbating in a group IN MY TOWN? And it’s not like I live in San Francisco — I am in the sleepy suburbs, so the entire idea that there are enough freaks here to make up a group masturbation circle is blowing my mind.
But I’m still not taking the bait, because this:
So I ask him what the deal is. Is it a free for all? Do we all touch each other? Is it a hands off thing? Will there be an assortment of quaaludes on hand to relax me, cause there is no way in ever-loving hell that I am going to do this without some kind of tranquilizer while a bunch of creeps gawk at me? Do I need to bring a towel? Is Purell on hand??
You know, normal questions a lady asks of a gentleman.
And you know, the solo-sexer seems to sense my hesitation with this form of sexual liberation, so like any
normal guy idiot he continues down the rabbit hole. Hey, if she’s not into interested in fighting the one eyed monster, maybe she’ll be interested in GROUP SEX!!
And no joke, this is his response:
Well the groups I mainly do now are just masturbation with self touch or you could be touched and stroke the men as well. I’ve par taken in some mild group sex that has been 6 men with one woman and we pressed into her, feeding off of heightened sensual energy…cocks growing hard all over her body…hands rubbing her breast, fingers inside her, hands rubbing her pubic hair and clit and her leaning her head back in perfection and her hands full of cocks at every moan she releases. Than the unfold of amazing sex…I’ve only been part of this once in the past few months but it was cloud 10 for everyone
I mean let’s just take that in for a moment.
I don’t even know what to think of that, but I know I really need to meet this guy.
But I’m hesitant (I know — prude). Because something just seems a little off. I mean, this guy has not asked any questions of me, except for the sexy time stuff, and I’m kinda not digging that.
Protip: Men, pretend to have at least a casual interest in the women you’re talking to and what she’s interested in.
So I ask for a face photo. Because I’m honestly not sure who I’m talking to here, and I’m not going to meet anyone without seeing a clear picture of them.
And here’s where things get interesting. Dude totally blows off my request, saying he’s attracted to me. Not my question, buddy! Obviously you’re attracted to me or you wouldn’t be asking me to do all this kinky shit with you.
So I begin researching. And thank god for google image search, because I found out something rather curious. That photo of him taken on the beach? That’s actually CHANNING TATUM. And I find out something else, there’s another profile on OkCupid, worded nearly identically to his, with another hot dude semi-obscured photo — ALSO CHANNING TATUM.
Ok, so this dude has multiple profiles, duping women into thinking he’s this:
When he’s probably:
Not one to back down, I call him on it. (And in case you’re wondering, no, I have no intention of meeting him at this point. He’s creeping me out!!)
Sorry I work for San Francisco Fire and we’re not allowed a Facebook, Instagram or to be on any date sites. Especially with who I am, it would be a “disgrace” to the department. I look enough like channing tatum, women I’ve met told me I look even better in person. I’m sorry again but circumstances make it harder for me on here to be seen…so who I am through my words and feelings usually prevail.
But I have to block him, cause why would I believe anything he says? So I do, and start to wash my hands of it.
But a nagging question remains. Maybe what he’s saying about SF Fire is true? Maybe there is an explanation for this insanity that does not involve him being old/creepy/married? I mean, I really want the story to go on, but I just can’t.
The next day
I’m walking downtown and lamenting this sorry situation. I can’t write the blog post about naked hot tubbing or masturbation circles that I wanted to. And I can’t even meet a freaking sexy Channing Tatum firefighter. That’s the stuff dreams are made of! But I remind myself, he’s not a firefighter, he’s some other thing who is hiding under the guise of a firefighter. And I really don’t want to find out how scary the truth is. I’m bummed this guy is faking me out. And as I’m lamenting this, who do I see, but THE FIRE DEPARTMENT. All of Station 1 is downtown, in the streets, trying to solicit money for charity.
THANK YOU, UNIVERSE.
So I walk up to the first sexy firefighter I see, and pull him aside and ask him,
So are you guys allowed to have social profiles like Facebook or online dating? Cause I met a guy online who says he works for SF Fire but can’t share a picture of himself cause it’s against the rules.
Now apart from the firefighter looking totally bewildered at me pulling him aside to ask him this totally random question, he is kind enough to answer and tells me:
That’s definitely not true. He’s playing you.
I thanked him and walked on, happy to have dodged another bullet in the online dating world.
And I’m keeping my OKCupid account. Not necessarily to meet “the one”, but because it’s giving me enough fodder to bring Sexistential Crisis back from the grave. You’re welcome.